Disconnected

In honor of mental health awareness

I started writing this on Christmas Eve and never finished it . It is more vulnerable and raw then what I normally post but it’s important to talk about it

At times I feel disconnected

Disconnected from family

Disconnected from my husband , my own children

I love them of course but sometimes it feels if life is just moving around you it you are staying still

It’s Christmas Eve and I want to feel happy but I don’t

My tree is finally up and decorated but I don’t feel the joy I usually feel

I feel tired, just mentally exhausted

The days go by so fast , and I feel myself wanting to grab a hold and enjoy one , but I can’t

I have times where it lifts and I come out and play for a short time , but then I retreat back

You can’t see it , you can’t hear it , you wouldn’t know it if you were around me

I feel guilty for these feelings as I have so much to be grateful for

When everyone is cheerful and happy and everywhere you look , there are picture perfect families.

When you can’t shake the feeling no matter how hard you try

Depression is real and it’s dark

It’s not about being sad or crying into your pillow

It is about not being able to feel

Feeling like you are under a dark cloud that you can’t get out from

It’s going through the motions

Life is tough sometimes

Marriage , kids ,,teenagers , autism, finances , work , balancing it all , a pandemic is just the cherry on top . It can all be very overwhelming

And this on top of it makes you feel like you suffocating

To cry would be a relief because you would feel

It’s no ones fault , it just is

You can’t just “cheer up “ or “snap out of it “ thank you for the suggestion though

I live with anxiety ,not just any anxiety

Generalized anxiety , panic disorder , and ptsd and it is horrible at times but I silent pray for it because at least I can feel

You have to to find a way to put one foot in front of the other , to just put your head up

It’s okay to feel this way , but don’t let the tears silently fall by yourself

Let someone or something help

Pick up the phone and talk to someone

Say it out loud

Even though you just want to isolate

Depression does not make you weak , it takes so much strength to fight it

To go through the motions

To push through and even the times you can’t

And sometimes you need help

It might be in the form of medication , or a therapist , it could be a loved one or a friend ,

But talk about it , talk to someone do not carry it alone

Even though it’s so hard to reach out

It will help

It’s okay to not be okay

As a special needs mom there is a huge responsibility on you to be ok , to be strong , to fight , to live forever

But sometimes you have to take care of you; as hard as that is , you have to take a breath and help yourself

breakthestigma

talkaboutit

Mentalhealthawareness

Early Communication

Communication

When I look down at my daughter with bright green eyes and crazy curly hair , I feel like might heart could burst . At first glance she looks like a typical two year old bopping around the house with her Barney doll , or what ever item or toys she chooses today .

She is smiling and very busy as she wanders through the house exploring , climbing and twirling.

She will even come over to me and stretch her arms out for some bouncing and tickling and she will giggle and it’s the sweetest sound you will ever hear .

She will come to me and she will gesture towards the fridge , you see she has no words , not even any sounds really .

I will offer her her cup and she will either
Happily receive it or throw it if it’s not what she wants . I will try to look at her but she will look away unable to look in my eyes .

The frustration will mount as I ask her what she wants and offer her a choice between two items . She will take one and she will be off again , sitting at the table is not a skill she had acquired and I wonder if she ever will .

I will repeat the words , asking her to make the sounds but it falls on seemingly deaf ears . We thought she was deaf actually for a while she didn’t respond to anything we said , not even her name . She is now responding to that , she will turn her Head and look and then quickly turn away but that is progress so I’ll take it.

She then retrieves her cup and climbs on the couch and the looks over at me . She wants to watch Barney , so I ask her do you want to watch Barney a she looks at me and then at the tv . Can you say Barney ?

She did say this before it was one of her first words but we haven’t heard in over a year .

She looks at me at say can you say Ba ? Say Ba slowly repeating the sound , silently pleading in my Mind for even a sound just one . But no sounds come out and the silence is deafening. She begins to get upset and starts flailing I retreat and put on Barney for her .

Her whole face lights up and she starts bouncing up and down while the songs start her favorite part . She is bouncing and squealing with delight . Just like that she is in her happy place .

After she resets she goes over to the door and slaps it . She wants to go outside , ok let’s get dressed . Easier said then done she does not like clothes and it is like wrestling and alligator to get her dressed .

As we are walking through the kitchen she grabs my hand and pushes it toward the counter ~~ ah she wants bubbles

She loves bubbles ! Can you say bubble ba ba bul . Nothing ~ I like I look deep into her eyes , searching looking for something , anything… She becomes Frustrated and impatient , and starts protesting and letting me know in her own way .. I want bubbles and I want them now . As I grab the bubbles I wonder if she will ever be able to say the words , to communicate .

You see I didn’t hear the words non Verbal autism yet , I didn’t know what that was and had never even heard of non verbal or a child who didn’t learn to talk .

I just longed for communication. For less frustration and more connections .

What I didnt know was she was communicating . This was her very first stage of it .

Pointing , Gesturing , pulling your hand and believe or not slapping things is all part of communication , it is considered nonverbal communication and it is the first step of communication

So as I Scurry outside with the bubbles and try to soldier on having no idea what this journey will bring and if words will even come , I remind myself she is only two she has time .

She will talk right ? Everyone learns to talk. Don’t they ?

She runs and jumps with excitement as I begin to blow bubbles . She has not a care in the world and I can’t help but laugh because she is so cute and her excitement is melting all my worries away at least for the moment

Communication is what we must fight and push for not just talking , as hard of a pill it is to swallow , there are kids who may never Speak .

We have to find a way to give them a voice and teach them to communicate .

Loveneedsnowords

communication is key

My flower girl

When me and my husband got married Alyssa was 5 . She had gotten over the hump of the worst and most difficult times but was still pretty challenging . You never knew what could trigger a melt down , cause her to bolt or anything in between .

But I really wanted her to be my flower girl . I knew it might be a disaster but I wanted to try . Some thought we were crazy because honestly it was going to be an extraordinary challenge to even get her in a dress . To think she could handle walking down an aisle in a church no less was almost ludicrous . But I didn’t care I was going try ..

You see the thing with autism is you have to try and a lot of times it’s gets the best of us . It’s scary and overwhelming . It can be frustrating, embarrassing and down right heart breaking . But the successes are the best thing ! It’s feeling true happiness , relief and so much love all rolled into to one .

Unfortunately you need to go through a lot of fails in order to get the successes , I won’t lie sometimes it’s a down right disaster .

The exposure is everything it helps them so much .

I am incredibly stubborn ,so is my daughter and so is autism ~it doesn’t always end well .

I also am also realistic ,I knew that my daughter might not be able to handle it . I made a game plan .

I wanted Alyssa there ,the whole family was there and I wanted her there too .

I had my niece who was 7 be a second flower girl . That way she could help guide Alyssa . Also If Alyssa refused or melted down we still had a flower girl .

I hired a teacher from her school to come and help with her . She could take her out if it was too much without disrupting the wedding .

She wore the dress and walked down the aisle and it meant everything to me 💙

We truly didnt know what would happen . She did it and If I didn’t try and let fear dictate I would of lost out . It’s not always easy but it’s so important to try.

The experiences help them learn to tolerate the environment. It takes time but they do learn and it gets easier .