I am tired
No not tired I am mentally exhausted
I am going to a dark place and I can feel it happening and feel powerless to stop it
I am tired of being knocked down by autism
Not autism itself but by the effects of it
When I feel like I have accepted it . Moved on
Made the best of it
But it still can knock me down when I least expect it .
I thought I was used to it ,that I forgot about them
The heavy , the why and the unfairness of it all
It always comes back to haunt you
I know brighter days are ahead but it’s hard to see
Through the tears , the frustration , the exhaustion
I’m battling my own mental health and I’m weary
The joy , the triumphs and the breakthroughs usually over shadow the rest
But they are always there lurking underneath , usually pushed to the darkest corners of your mind far away from your heart. Until they come to the surface sometimes with no warning and take on a life of their own.
It crushes your heart and consumes your every thought,
When the darkness stares you in the face
Why does my baby have to suffer like this
Why is she put in such a vulnerable position
Where things can happen and you ‘ll never know
Why can’t things be better
Where we live in a world will people care just as much about disabled adults as they do disabled children and in turn just as much about disabled children as typical children
Where it matters what happens to them and who is taking care of them
We want to protect our children always but we can’t be with them every waking hour and even if we could we won’t live forever
What will happen when I’m gone
But then I walk in and she is sitting there with her bright eyes ,so beautiful I can just get lost in them, my heart clutches as I lean in for a hug and she squeezes me back, something she has only done in recent years.
I watch her as she goes in her room and comes out with her tiger , she is having him hold a dinosaur with a tutu and she is laughing as she is showing us. That laugh is medicine for my soul.
She is so happy, so unaffected by the sadness of the world
One of the biggest blessings of her autism. The worries of tomorrow slowly slip away.
My daughter is a gem, precious and full of beauty. I am forever grateful to have her as my daughter , she shows me the light through her eyes and makes me appreciate it, feel it
She will always be my reason to keep fighting , for her and others like her. My motivation to wipe my tears and hope for a better tomorrow. My love for her will always trump everything else and give me the strength to stand tall beside her.