Looking away from the darkness

I am tired 

No not tired I am mentally exhausted 

I am going to a dark place and I can feel it happening and feel powerless to stop it 

I am tired of being knocked down by autism 

Not autism itself but by the effects of it 

When I feel like I have accepted it . Moved on 

Made the best of it 

But it still can knock me down when I least expect it .

The feelings 

I thought I was used to it ,that I forgot about them 

The heavy , the why and the unfairness of it all 

It always comes back to haunt you 

I know brighter days are ahead but it’s hard to see 

Through the tears , the frustration , the exhaustion 

I’m battling my own mental health and I’m weary

The joy , the triumphs and the breakthroughs usually over shadow the rest 

But they are always there lurking underneath , usually pushed to the darkest corners of your mind far away from your heart. Until they come to the surface sometimes with no warning and take on a life of their own. 

It crushes your heart and consumes your every thought, 

When the darkness stares you in the face 

Why 

Why does my baby have to suffer like this 

Why is she put in such a vulnerable position

Where things can happen and you ‘ll never know 

Why can’t things be better 

Where we live in a world will people care just as much about disabled adults as they do disabled children and in turn just as much about disabled children as typical children 

Where it matters what happens to them and who is taking care of them

We want to protect our children always but we can’t be with them every waking hour and even if we could we won’t live forever

What will happen when I’m gone

But then I walk in and she is sitting there with her bright eyes ,so beautiful I can just get lost in them, my heart clutches as I lean in for a hug and she squeezes me back, something she has only done in recent years. 

I watch her as she goes in her room and comes out with her tiger , she is having him hold a dinosaur with a tutu and she is laughing as she is showing us. That laugh is medicine for my soul.

She is so happy, so unaffected by the sadness of the world

One of the biggest blessings of her autism. The worries of tomorrow slowly slip away.

My daughter is a gem, precious and full of beauty. I am forever grateful to have her as my daughter , she shows me the light through her eyes and makes me appreciate it, feel it 

She will always be my reason to keep fighting , for her and others like her. My motivation to wipe my tears and hope for a better tomorrow. My love for her will always trump everything else and give me the strength to stand tall beside her.

Disconnected

In honor of mental health awareness

I started writing this on Christmas Eve and never finished it . It is more vulnerable and raw then what I normally post but it’s important to talk about it

At times I feel disconnected

Disconnected from family

Disconnected from my husband , my own children

I love them of course but sometimes it feels if life is just moving around you it you are staying still

It’s Christmas Eve and I want to feel happy but I don’t

My tree is finally up and decorated but I don’t feel the joy I usually feel

I feel tired, just mentally exhausted

The days go by so fast , and I feel myself wanting to grab a hold and enjoy one , but I can’t

I have times where it lifts and I come out and play for a short time , but then I retreat back

You can’t see it , you can’t hear it , you wouldn’t know it if you were around me

I feel guilty for these feelings as I have so much to be grateful for

When everyone is cheerful and happy and everywhere you look , there are picture perfect families.

When you can’t shake the feeling no matter how hard you try

Depression is real and it’s dark

It’s not about being sad or crying into your pillow

It is about not being able to feel

Feeling like you are under a dark cloud that you can’t get out from

It’s going through the motions

Life is tough sometimes

Marriage , kids ,,teenagers , autism, finances , work , balancing it all , a pandemic is just the cherry on top . It can all be very overwhelming

And this on top of it makes you feel like you suffocating

To cry would be a relief because you would feel

It’s no ones fault , it just is

You can’t just “cheer up “ or “snap out of it “ thank you for the suggestion though

I live with anxiety ,not just any anxiety

Generalized anxiety , panic disorder , and ptsd and it is horrible at times but I silent pray for it because at least I can feel

You have to to find a way to put one foot in front of the other , to just put your head up

It’s okay to feel this way , but don’t let the tears silently fall by yourself

Let someone or something help

Pick up the phone and talk to someone

Say it out loud

Even though you just want to isolate

Depression does not make you weak , it takes so much strength to fight it

To go through the motions

To push through and even the times you can’t

And sometimes you need help

It might be in the form of medication , or a therapist , it could be a loved one or a friend ,

But talk about it , talk to someone do not carry it alone

Even though it’s so hard to reach out

It will help

It’s okay to not be okay

As a special needs mom there is a huge responsibility on you to be ok , to be strong , to fight , to live forever

But sometimes you have to take care of you; as hard as that is , you have to take a breath and help yourself

breakthestigma

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