Our family's journey with autism. An honest view into living with severe autism, the heartache ,the joy and everything in between. Join us on this adventure of autism, love, and chaos .
You can lose your ability to cope and even to care
It is can push you to the point that you can barely get out of bed , or shower. It can literally paralyze you. Except when your a mom, especially a mom to a child with special needs you don’t have that luxury. You have to get up and at least do the bare minimum to keep everyone safe and cared for.
It takes all your mental energy. At times you don’t even know why you feel this way. You become numb and everything feels so heavy. You walk through the motions of your day with no feeling. Sometimes you don’t even realize what an unhealthy place you are in. You will Silently beg for something to make it stop. It is hell On Earth
Things feel so big . You feel so weak so tired, mentally tired, and you feel so powerless to fight it, to make it stop. You feel like you are losing control and you begin lose interest in the things you love, that being you joy.
Everyone’s bottom feels different. There comes a point where you can’t do it alone , you need help to pull you out of the darkness.
Asking for help can be so hard, it can feel so defeating.
We have this unrealistic pressure on us to be strong, to keep up. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak it actually takes incredible strength.
It is difficult to put your vulnerabilities out there, to risk rejection, judgement , and feelings of inadequacy. It takes a lot to have the courage to put aside your self doubt and seek help.
Make the phone call, say it out loud and give yourself grace. Always remember how important you are . You matter
We all need a little help sometimes and that’s okay. We all need love and to allow ourselves to heal. Admitting that and letting out guard down is what takes the most strength.
I started writing this on Christmas Eve and never finished it . It is more vulnerable and raw then what I normally post but it’s important to talk about it
At times I feel disconnected
Disconnected from family
Disconnected from my husband , my own children
I love them of course but sometimes it feels if life is just moving around you it you are staying still
It’s Christmas Eve and I want to feel happy but I don’t
My tree is finally up and decorated but I don’t feel the joy I usually feel
I feel tired, just mentally exhausted
The days go by so fast , and I feel myself wanting to grab a hold and enjoy one , but I can’t
I have times where it lifts and I come out and play for a short time , but then I retreat back
You can’t see it , you can’t hear it , you wouldn’t know it if you were around me
I feel guilty for these feelings as I have so much to be grateful for
When everyone is cheerful and happy and everywhere you look , there are picture perfect families.
When you can’t shake the feeling no matter how hard you try
Depression is real and it’s dark
It’s not about being sad or crying into your pillow
It is about not being able to feel
Feeling like you are under a dark cloud that you can’t get out from
It’s going through the motions
Life is tough sometimes
Marriage , kids ,,teenagers , autism, finances , work , balancing it all , a pandemic is just the cherry on top . It can all be very overwhelming
And this on top of it makes you feel like you suffocating
To cry would be a relief because you would feel
It’s no ones fault , it just is
You can’t just “cheer up “ or “snap out of it “ thank you for the suggestion though
I live with anxiety ,not just any anxiety
Generalized anxiety , panic disorder , and ptsd and it is horrible at times but I silent pray for it because at least I can feel
You have to to find a way to put one foot in front of the other , to just put your head up
It’s okay to feel this way , but don’t let the tears silently fall by yourself
Let someone or something help
Pick up the phone and talk to someone
Say it out loud
Even though you just want to isolate
Depression does not make you weak , it takes so much strength to fight it
To go through the motions
To push through and even the times you can’t
And sometimes you need help
It might be in the form of medication , or a therapist , it could be a loved one or a friend ,
But talk about it , talk to someone do not carry it alone
Even though it’s so hard to reach out
It will help
It’s okay to not be okay
As a special needs mom there is a huge responsibility on you to be ok , to be strong , to fight , to live forever
But sometimes you have to take care of you; as hard as that is , you have to take a breath and help yourself
Autism adventures with Alyssa 