I often say that the A in autism stands for anxiety. The anxiety causing as much turmoil as the autism if not more. I see them as one in the same, each fueling the fire for the other.

Anxiety is a beast. It can lay low at times but once it’s up and running there is no stopping it. I have had anxiety myself for many years. It has completely taken over my life at times. It causes so much inner turmoil. I have been blessed with many types of anxiety and well at times it’s a living nightmare.

It gives me insight to my daughter. To have those feelings and have no language to express it. No understanding of what is happening to your mind and body. That I can’t imagine.

It is so heart breaking to not be able to help her, or find the trigger. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense or seem obvious. You have the autism making her inflexible,unable to switch gears. It can seem so minor but to her it’s not. Lack of sleep, sensory issues, and limited communication exasperate the anxiety and it takes a life of its own.

We try our best to help her through it. To surround her with you things she loves and make her happy. To try to avoid the known triggers although it’s not always possible.

The hardest part is the things that bring her joy also cause her anxiety. The unknown, the change,the thought of something different can send her over the edge.

It is best to stay calm and patient as you help her through it but it is not always an easy task.

Anxiety is something we have to coexist with. The feelings, the emotions and the fear it can trigger can be so debilitating.

It is the hardest part of this life.

That’s why when she is calm and happy it is so treasured.

Today was a really rough day. It was overruled by anxiety and autism, and communication difficulties.

The anxiety spikes and everything else rises with it.

Today is a special day. It’s Alyssa’s dance recital. If you asked me 5 years ago if I thought that she would be able to tolerate a dance class let alone participate in a recital it would of been a hard no.

She does so well at her dance class. She loves it. We talked about and prepared her for the show. She is very familiar with recitals as she has watched her sisters dance for years.

She was up most of the night, so it was rocky from the start. Lots of yelling, some chair throwing, she was getting stuck on everything. She was crying and I couldn’t get her to sit to brush her hair. She was escalating by the second. She had a hangnail that is a little red and she couldn’t move forward from that.

It’s getting later and I had already bribed her with Dunkin’ Donuts, which means we have to stop.

I wanted to get there earlier but that was out the window. She has no concept of being late or rushed. If you lose your patience or have a tone she doesn’t like she will retreat further. I was getting so frustrated.

I could feel the tears coming. It’s so unfair that it has to be this hard for something she enjoys. There are times that I don’t even give autism a second though. Many times I forget. Then there are the times where it’s glaringly obvious, today is one of those days. The pain comes rushing through as I am faced with how hard she struggles with the simplest things. I can only think of how unfair it is, as the tears start to fall. I am trying so hard to keep it together but they don’t stop.

I was finally able to get her hair in a pony and brushed. She needed ointment on her finger and a Bandaid, they she will only tolerate for a very short time if at all. We got her out of the house and into the car. She was trying to calm down but couldn’t regulate. My teenage daughter was coming with me to help. She has ADHD and is bothered by the sounds. She is getting annoyed with Alyssa as she is still making lots of noise.

I can’t help getting upset as tears start to fall again and I am getting irritated with her lack of compassion for her sister in the moment. Then I feel guilty that I put so much on her,and I start crying more. I Know it’s a lot. I can barely pull myself together to order the food,which they have none of what we were ordering. Some days it’s like everything is working against you.

Then I question why am I doing this. Why am I putting her and us through this. Is it for her or me? Am I doing this for the right reasons.

I want her to have every experience she can. She works so hard and tries so hard. She deserves this. I know we have to walk through the hard to experience the good. The anxiety just makes it that much harder. She did not do well inside and I began to doubt if she would be performing.

She is just so confused at this point. My only hope
Is that when she sees her teacher and friends that she will snap out of it and cooperate.

It shouldn’t be this hard but sometimes it just is.

When it comes to autism I swear everything is upside down. That’s the nature of it I suppose.

Things come full circle, they go backwards, you see progress followed by regression.

Things that should make you happy can stab your heart and things that others see as heartbreaking you see as a day in life.

We have finally decided to try medicine for sleep, it didn’t work and made her miserable. Her happiness is not a trade off I’m willing to make. She is back to her self and you can see the difference just by looking at her. She was beginning to go dark and if you know, you know.

If so nice to have her back, to see the relaxed look in her eyes. Don’t get me wrong there is plenty of struggle that goes on, Bad days and hard moments. Autism likes to keep you on your toes.

Generally she is happy, content, her smile is so genuine. Her hugs are back I didn’t even realize they were gone until I got one again.

I checked on her last night. I had her take a sip of water before I went to bed. I peeked at her iPad. She was smiling and laughing, she was watching Barney clips. All these years later and it still brings her joy.

I couldn’t help but smile. Some may find it sad but I don’t. I love how happy it makes her. Her happiness is the most important thing to me.

Autism is confusing, if I didn’t live this life I wouldn’t understand.

There are so many things about autism that take my breath away and some physically hurt my heart.

It’s changed and evolved over the years that’s for sure.

If something makes her happy then I am perfectly fine with it.

choosehope #autism #autismlove