The future is so scary to think about. I try to focus on the here and now,what I can control. As I get older it becomes a more of a reality.

My mom passed away recently, and my Dad 8 years ago. Ten years ago they were both vibrant and actively involved in our lives.

Of course they were aging especially my Dad, as he is a bit older than my mom.

My mom declined quickly and the change over the last few years was unimaginable.

It makes you question your own life. Although it is incredibly hard, they left behind all adult children.

My daughter will never be able to take care of herself, no matter how old she is.

Looking at pictures, we are them 25 years ago, my baby is 18. 20 years goes by in a flash. A blink of an eye.

What will happen to Alyssa?

Who will take care of her?

The thought of her in a home of any sort guts me, it literally brings me to my knees.

I am extremely fortunate that she has three siblings. They all love her and at this point are willing to take care of her, if all goes as planned.

Things can change. The best intentions can go awry.

They will have careers, marriages and likely children.

Will she fit into their life? Will they be able to advocate for her.

I know all autism is difficult but there is a component to non-verbal that makes things challenging on a very different level.

I know I can’t control it all. As fast as the tears flow and the thoughts creep in the still of night, much of it is out of my control.

My mom passed away at age 73. Alyssa will be 53 if I am able to live that long. Thank God I had her young.

I know her siblings will do the best they can to take care of her.

It’s just hard to think about.

I will do my best to help her communicate and gain skills as long as I can.

This girl is everything to me.