I was looking through my pictures and I have a picture of all four of my kids. I don’t get these as often as my son has moved out on his own.
I smiled looking at all of them, I know I am incredibly blessed. They are all great kids. They are all growing up right before my eyes.
As I am looking at it, and it is your typical Disney picture in front of the the castle I feel a twinge.
These damn twinges some people refer to them as paper cuts,paper cuts to your heart.
I am looking at my daughter, at all four kids and at first glance you don’t notice. As I study the picture I can see how Alyssa is set apart from the other kids.
Her posture, facial expressions, eye contact, there are differences some subtle some not. A lot of the time I don’t see it, most of the time I don’t see it. She is just her. Today I see it. Today it is Crystal clear.
My other kids are growing up and she is not. She is getting left behind. It hurts my heart and my eyes fill up as I think about it.
It shouldn’t be this way. My heart aches for her. For the experiences she won’t have and for the ones we fight for her to have, because nothing comes easy even things that bring joy. I look over at her and she is sleeping so peacefully and it warms my heart as I wipe away my tears.
Sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. In the quiet moment of a vacation. I am grateful to be able to give her these experiences surrounded by those who love her.
I am beyond grateful for her. I don’t care that she is different she is perfect the way she is. I wouldn’t change her but if I could take away her struggle I would.
I am ready to dust off and move on. Today we switch hotels and I hope she does okay with the transition. I can feel her tension she knows a change is coming.