Today was a really rough day. It was overruled by anxiety and autism, and communication difficulties.
The anxiety spikes and everything else rises with it.
Today is a special day. It’s Alyssa’s dance recital. If you asked me 5 years ago if I thought that she would be able to tolerate a dance class let alone participate in a recital it would of been a hard no.
She does so well at her dance class. She loves it. We talked about and prepared her for the show. She is very familiar with recitals as she has watched her sisters dance for years.
She was up most of the night, so it was rocky from the start. Lots of yelling, some chair throwing, she was getting stuck on everything. She was crying and I couldn’t get her to sit to brush her hair. She was escalating by the second. She had a hangnail that is a little red and she couldn’t move forward from that.
It’s getting later and I had already bribed her with Dunkin’ Donuts, which means we have to stop.
I wanted to get there earlier but that was out the window. She has no concept of being late or rushed. If you lose your patience or have a tone she doesn’t like she will retreat further. I was getting so frustrated.
I could feel the tears coming. It’s so unfair that it has to be this hard for something she enjoys. There are times that I don’t even give autism a second though. Many times I forget. Then there are the times where it’s glaringly obvious, today is one of those days. The pain comes rushing through as I am faced with how hard she struggles with the simplest things. I can only think of how unfair it is, as the tears start to fall. I am trying so hard to keep it together but they don’t stop.
I was finally able to get her hair in a pony and brushed. She needed ointment on her finger and a Bandaid, they she will only tolerate for a very short time if at all. We got her out of the house and into the car. She was trying to calm down but couldn’t regulate. My teenage daughter was coming with me to help. She has ADHD and is bothered by the sounds. She is getting annoyed with Alyssa as she is still making lots of noise.
I can’t help getting upset as tears start to fall again and I am getting irritated with her lack of compassion for her sister in the moment. Then I feel guilty that I put so much on her,and I start crying more. I Know it’s a lot. I can barely pull myself together to order the food,which they have none of what we were ordering. Some days it’s like everything is working against you.
Then I question why am I doing this. Why am I putting her and us through this. Is it for her or me? Am I doing this for the right reasons.
I want her to have every experience she can. She works so hard and tries so hard. She deserves this. I know we have to walk through the hard to experience the good. The anxiety just makes it that much harder. She did not do well inside and I began to doubt if she would be performing.
She is just so confused at this point. My only hope
Is that when she sees her teacher and friends that she will snap out of it and cooperate.
It shouldn’t be this hard but sometimes it just is.