Now and then

This is four

This challenge was bitter sweet. I love looking at old photos they fill me with so much love and gratitude.
At the same time I wish I knew more back then.

I wish their was more information, support , resources, and education about autism.

I wish there was technology

I didn’t know how things would turn out. I still lived in that bubble of hope thinking things would come together and she would catch up.

Could I of handled it? Knowing that this would go into adulthood?

No typical milestones, or conversations, no growing up not in the true sense. Forever my child.

Would it if helped or made it worse? It’s hard to say

I wouldn’t of understood how special she is, how much we love her as a disabled adult. I certainly didn’t think of her in those terms then.

I wouldn’t of known how much joy, love, and laughter she adds to our lives, just as she did then.

We navigate the hard, the not so typical, and the frustrations as we soak up the smiles, the hugs and the accomplishments, just as we did then.

I wouldn’t of understood it would be okay with her still the way she was as an adult.

I could only hope she would get better, she would talk and she would struggle less.

In someways she did, my perspective and my priorities have changed.

I was already finding different ways to bring her joy, to calm her, to make sure she wasn’t missing out. I just didn’t realize it.

I didn’t know then. I didn’t know how all consuming, how much, how permanent.

I don’t think I was meant to know yet. I found out as time went on. Little glimpses and clues were there but I didn’t see them, couldn’t see them, wasn’t ready too.

And that’s ok it’s ok to not be ready. It’s ok to not know. Always choose hope.

I know now it’s okay. She is ok and so am I.

She is loved beyond measure

She is happy and healthy, she has a sweetness a light that can’t be explained only experienced.

I take comfort in when everyone else is on their own she will still be right beside me.

At four she loved Barney, teletubbies and books.

She loved popcorn and bubbles

She was obsessed with water and loved to be outside

She was almost fully potty trained

She didn’t sleep

She became overwhelmed Easy and was a sensory seeker and a sensory avoider

It was challenge to keep clothes on her

She has already made so much progress and was doing great in school.

She had no words or sounds and used some sign and a picture exchange system well at school but resisted it at home

She was sunshine mixed with a little bit of hurricane just as she today.

This is Alyssa what you see is what you get

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