~Resentment and Guilt~
Two awful feelings that do nothing but drag you down . When you are a mom to a child with a disability . It’s overwhelming at times and it can consume you. These feelings are completely normal and they are okay . Even though I know this , it still is hard at times.
I went to the emergency room , and I had a pretty scary health scare . As we were sitting in the waiting room I had tears pouring down my face . I was not afraid for myself but for my autistic daughter . As much as it would break my heart to miss out on any of my kids and I know they would hurt If anything happened to me . I know they would be ok .
It’s different with Alyssa . What would she think , where would she think I went ?
What would happen to her …
My husband would take care of her and love her of course I know this . Would he work with her , push her , make her engage with the world ; keep her from regressing ?
I demanded that he promise me I’d anything happens to her that he would work with and not allow her to isolate and just sit with her IPad .
He just kept saying I promise your fine nothing is going to happen but , I don’t want that promise I want the one about her and of course he promised .
Then waves of guilt rushed over me . How could I not take care or myself and let myself be overweight and not the healthiest I could be . I have to be here for her .She will need to be cared for for the rest of her life. It’s sounds irrational I know . Of course I was being emotional and slight dramatic . The feelings are so heavy . Thankfully I’m fine .
Resentment : this one is even worse . Guilt at least is aimed at yourself. Resentment can give you some nasty thoughts. I am at a point in this journey where these feelings don’t come up to often . I don’t really even get sad about it anymore .
Every once and while it just hits you . Out of nowhere . It’s like a punch to the gut .
I was listening to a video of a lady talking about autism . She was talking about how her daughter had autism and how all these different things worked for her over the years . Her daughter now maintaining a functional life in school doing sports .
It made me angry just for a split second , I obviously have no bad feelings toward this person . Then I started to tear up , why couldn’t that of happened to my daughter ? Why does she have to be disabled for the rest of her life . It’s not fair ! It’s just not . Tears started falling and I quickly wiped them away . I was being ridiculous I told myself .
Alyssa is light years away from where she was , and where she was anticipated to be . She is a complete joy and I love her with all my heart . She is happy and funny , just such a sweet soul .
I am blessed , she is still progressing . She is 23 and has always been non verbal and is now learning words . I think sometimes it makes me want more , I can’t help it . These feelings are just hard sometimes and they physically hurt . I will never lose hope and I will continue
to try to help her succeed in anyway she can . Time to dust off and soldier on .